I am incredibly hard on myself. There is a massive part of me that has to over achieve not to prove to other people that I am useful to have around, I do this purely to prove it to myself. This hasn’t been overly brilliant for me as a person. It has caused spells of self doubt, teary breakdowns when I am not the best and a constant fear of failure. That isn’t the way to live your life is it?
There is no one else that I can blame for these feelings though because I am the one that projects this notion onto myself by constantly having to excel rather than being comfortable at going at a speed less than full go. I want to be best, the I want nice things and be successful. Now being successful is not a new goal of mine. Having a good career where I am successful in my industry has always been of huge importance to me and since getting my foot on the first rung of the career ladder that passion has started burning brighter and stronger than ever before.
I know that life isn’t all about being the best or the first of your group of friends to do something, it isn’t about that at all. There are times I wish I could be more like my brother, he is laid back in his de-meaner but he is keen to be successful as well, he is just less highly strung than I am. *Gasps* Yes, I did just label myself as highly strung. I know I am – there is no shame in it. I am also particular, moody and sometimes a little bit of a coo bag! Shoot me. (Not because I am a cow obvs)
Competitive probably isn’t the best word in the English language to define me but there is an element of the competitive that plays into this, if I don’t succeed then I am stupid, a waste of space and there is no point. Of course this results in low self esteem and feeling less than wonderful in my own head which doesn’t help my depression, let’s be honest. I would never dream of saying that to someone else so why should I be saying it to myself, I tell myself on regular occasions.
In my day to day life, I spend a huge part of my waking hours telling myself that I am not good enough that I fog the fact that I actually work pretty bloody hard. I work 9-5.30 five days a week – a job that I put in 110% because I enjoy what I do – alongside blogging, going to the gym, seeing my friends and giving myself time to actually just have me time. I need to stop being so hard on myself and recognise my achievements because as my lovely father tells me – I’m good!